This article is a part of the 129 Ways to Get a Husband series. To read more about the series, check out the first article here.

I don’t want to write this blog.

Yet anything other than this message would be inauthentic. I keep telling myself that verbalizing brings freedom. Perhaps my secret is one kept by others. If I can be brave and set myself free, maybe you will find the courage to untangle yourself from the secrets that trap you, too.

For so long I believed that I was single because of my weight. I felt unlovable and unwanted because I was fat. Ten years ago I lost 50 pounds in five months. Feeling amazing, I decided to jump into the dating lake… In case you aren’t aware (lucky you), the water is extremely murky and filled with parasites. My Oma always said, “Savannah, just throw the bad guys back in. There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” Maybe I should have listened better and gone to the Caribbean where the water is clear. Instead, I found myself in some kind of roadside lake, appropriately titled “Plenty of Fish.” It was basically Tinder, but 10 years ago. And I didn’t know.

It took me a few years to finally comprehend what happened to me. I thought everything was my fault. I thought that I went absolutely crazy because there was something wrong with me.

I spent a lot of my teen and young adult years being afraid of being raped. Nightmares of a man walking into my bedroom while I was sleeping persisted. I thought that rape was always violent. I imagined fear flooding my limbs. Rape was something drastic, like what you read in the headlines or watch on Cold Case.

My own experience was not violent. It was not dark. It was not in public. He did not break into my house. Instead, it was a stubborn dismissal of my boundaries and persistent no. It was like what I said did not matter. Like I didn’t matter.

That night a destructive message was hard-wired into my brain. I accepted his nonverbal message about my worth. If I still was unwanted in a new and improved body, the only thing left to dislike was, well, me.

The next several months I lived recklessly and dangerously. I lived as people who believe they are worthless live… seeking love from places it doesn’t exist and destroying the people who genuinely offer it.

I gradually started gaining back weight. I threw myself into graduate school, being a foster parent, and my career. I found that the weight made me invisible to men, so I wore it like a super power. But it was more like a parka in the summer, protecting me from the vulnerability that dating required.

Any attempts at dating caused me to fall into a deep hole of despair. Rejection was more than I could bear. Sometimes I wanted my life to end. Being fat felt safer for me, but I really needed a new covering.

In the Bible there is a prophet named Hosea. God told him to marry a woman who was going to be unfaithful, but it’s not that she “just” cheated on him… She became a prostitute! She abandoned Hosea’s faithful love and chased after men who treated her as filth.

Tim Keller explains that one of the reasons God commanded this was because Hosea’s wife needed his redemptive love. There is a greater storyline overarching this message, but simply and personally, God saw this tossed-aside-woman and created a plan to rescue her. He knew the details of her story. He knew the hurts and abuses she suffered. God knew that behind every behavior was a need without words to express it. He sent Hosea after her.

Hosea found his wife on the auction block. Her pimp had used her up and was cutting his losses. She was likely naked. Just imagine her standing there with her eyes closed and utterly ashamed. Imagine her horror when she heard her own husband’s voice bidding for her.

The final price of his bride was 15 shekels of silver and 5 bushels of barley, worth another 15 shekels of silver. Don’t miss this. Hosea paid half in silver and half in barley. The required sacrifice for a suspected unfaithful woman was paid to the Lord in barley (Numbers 5). And the price of a slave was 30 shekels of silver (Exodus 21:32). The value of 30 shekels of silver in Hosea’s time was six months worth of wages! SIX MONTHS! Hosea didn’t have to guess that his wife was unfaithful, he knew she was. And he paid it anyway.

Hosea paid his wife’s debt, took her down from the auction block and covered her. He covered her with clothing, with his forgiveness, and with his good name. I think that he helped her fully understand her own name’s meaning, too. I didn’t tell you her name because in our day it refers to someone who is inept, stupid or troublesome. In Hebrew Gomer means complete. She wasn’t broken, damaged, or unworthy. She was enough. She was whole and perfect just as she was.

After being tossed aside and unwanted, I found that covering my body in excess fat protected me from more pain. But God did not create me to live in shame and fear.

Scripture tells us to throw off every weight that hinders us so that we can run the race set before us and that our bodies are a temple. Fortunately God does not tell us to discard our false security blanket to be exposed completely. Like Hosea, God covers us. He reminds us of our identity. We are absolutely complete in Him because He paid for us. When Jesus was betrayed by His own friend, the reward for His life was 30 shekels of silver. Jesus didn’t deserve death, but He willingly covered us so that we could be free to live in a relationship with Him.

Whatever your “weight” looks like, whether it’s extra pounds or something else, you can be free. You are covered.